Understanding choice, voice, and reality in care
I see this question asked again and again:
“What happens when my child turns 16?”
“What rights do they have?”
“Can they come home?”
And the honest answer is — it’s complicated.
But it’s not as powerless as families are often led to believe.
Children’s voices don’t suddenly appear at 18
From around the age of 12, a child has the right to their own solicitor.
In theory.
In practice, even when children ask for one, they are often:
discouraged
delayed
or simply ignored
Worse still, many children don’t believe this right belongs to them at all, especially when they are surrounded by professionals whose authority feels absolute.
If your child has successfully accessed their own solicitor, I genuinely want to hear your story. Those voices matter.
Pressure silences confidence
Many teenagers in care are under intense pressure — subtle or explicit — to comply, agree, and not “rock the boat.” Over time, this erodes confidence. They stop believing their wishes carry weight.
But legally and ethically, teenagers do have the right to express where they want to live.
And sometimes, when their voice is repeatedly unheard…
Their feet speak instead.
“Voting with their feet” — what it actually means
By around 15, if a home is safe and has been evidenced as such, there is nothing automatic that allows a child to be physically forced back into foster care purely because they choose to leave.
This is not encouragement.
This is reality.
Even judges recognise this concept.
In our own case, when our daughter was previously sent home under a PWP in 2023 and we later returned to court, the judge , trying to understand the situation, asked:
“Did she vote with her feet?”
That question alone tells you something important:
this is a recognised action, not a fringe idea.
Our daughter’s decision
Last year, our daughter reached a point where she realised something deeply unsettling — that her words had been reshaped, her meaning twisted, and a situation created that did not reflect her truth.
It’s important to say this clearly:
she had already been home with us previously under a PWP in 2023.
After that period, she returned to care for a time.
During that time, something shifted.
She began to understand that instead of listening to her, a narrative was being built around her , one that didn’t match what she was saying or what she was living.
And when that realisation landed, she made a decision.
Her words were simple:
“No. I’m not having this. I want to be with mum and dad.”
She came home.
We didn’t plan it.
We didn’t orchestrate it.
We didn’t encourage it.
We did what we were supposed to do.
We informed the right people.
We did everything we were supposed to do.
We informed the right people.
We followed process.
But without physical force ,which was neither appropriate nor lawful, there was nothing that could simply override her choice.
They tried again.
Took her to school with the intention of moving her back to a placement.
She ran home within hours.
That alone should tell us something about where she felt safest.
Knowledge changes everything
Today’s teenagers are not in the dark.
They have access to information — forums, legal explanations, lived experiences — far beyond what many adults realise. And while we must never guide or influence their decisions, we can do one crucial thing:
We can make sure they know this:
The door is always open.
If your home is safe,
if that safety has been evidenced,
then simply knowing they are welcome can be profoundly grounding.
A necessary boundary
This matters, so I need to be clear:
This is not a reason to disengage from assessments, therapy, or required work.
Sometimes that work genuinely helps, not just to satisfy professionals, but to strengthen families and prevent heavier intervention.
Two truths can exist at once:
Children have rights
Parents still have responsibilities
What happens at 16?
At 16, young people should move to a different team, often focused on pathways out of care and independence.
In reality, this transition frequently doesn’t happen as it should due to overwhelmed services and case overload.
And when that happens, something shifts.
The system’s grip loosens, not because it wants to, but because structurally, it has to.
Teenagers notice this.
Families feel it.
Final thoughts
“Voting with their feet” is not rebellion.
It’s not manipulation.
It’s often the last language available to a child who hasn’t been heard.
If it happens, and if it’s safe, it deserves to be understood, not punished, dismissed, or rewritten.
thegirlspeaks.uk 